Major NSV!

NSV = Non Scale Victory or Non Surgical Victory.

I am still stunned at my achievement. I have never walked 10k before in my life, but here I am at the goal of the Soda Springs, which is the first leg of the Tongariro Crossing. The Crossing is a famous hike in New Zealand which stretches between two mountains, Mt Ngaurahoe and Mt Tongariro in the Tongariro National Park. (Look it up on Google!)

I knew I wouldn't be fit enough to get up the Devils Staircase - a nearly vertical climb - but wanted to reach the goal I'd set myself of getting to Soda Springs, almost 5 K into the trek. I did expect to be able to rest up before the return trip, but the weather was pretty dismal and if we had sat around in the wet we would have become very chilled, so we made the return trip straight away.

I couldn't keep up the pace of the rest of our party, but took my time and completed it with aching legs and a soaring spirit at my achievement. I must say that without the encouragement of my Best Buddy in the World I don't think I could have made it.

2 Month Anniversary

Its a little over 2 months now since my surgery.  I can't update my weight statistics because I'm not at home near my scale, and I don't have a reliable scale nearby.  I will post an update when I get home in a few days.  I have noticed a few changes though, during this trip to Melbourne.  The plane ride was so much more comfortable, relaxed and not the embarrassment it usually is. The seat belt fitted easily and after tightening had several inches to spare. I did not get stuck in my seat when I got up.  I dropped the pillow on the floor and instead of being a major embarrassing drama as I couldn't retrieve a dropped item, I simply bent down and picked it up!  Also the food tray was nice and horizontal instead of the food leaning dangerously as the tray balanced on my stomach.  

My luggage at check in was almost equivalent to the weight I have lost so far.  That to me is mind boggling as I still have so much weight to lose.  And my suitcase feels so heavy to lift!  When I came to buckle my seat belt in the back of my parent's car - it did up instead of me pretending and holding it across myself.

Another major event occurred which I almost didn't notice.  I was sitting on the couch chatting and I suddenly realised something very odd. I said to my mother "Do you notice anything strange?"  I was sitting with my legs crossed! I have not been able to do that for years.  I had managed to cross my legs about a month ago, ie get them crossed, but not sit comfortably.

I have bought a pair of leather tramping boots and it is my intention to go on some walks, the first of which will be a trip next weekend to Mt Tongariro, to do part of the famous Tongariro Crossing.  I don't feel up to climbing the mountain, but feel very proud that I am making a start.

I had set a goal of doing the Duathlon in May, and then thought it may be a bit ambitious. However my exercise regime, walking and doing the exercycle, has brought my fitness level up very quickly and without the extra weight on my feet its a real pleasure to walk.  I am still aware of my foot injury, but the feeling is not pain any more.  

My weight loss is by no means rapid, but with my increased fitness has come a positive attitude and a feeling of strength returning.  I feel great.

Mind Games

I have come to the conclusion that I am not normal where food is concerned. Again. I am eating much much smaller portions of food than I ever have before, even the Health Dept Diet. And yet I get this strange guilty feeling that I am eating too much when I feel full! Its wierd. As I have shared previously the 'full' feeling is a pretty novel thing for me. I think after gorging myself at Christmas dinner time and being unable to move off the couch would have given me a similar "full" feeling and that under those circumstances (of complete overeating) the guilty feeling is pretty congruent. But that feeling of fullness today is reached after eating very little. And I feel guilty. For so long negative feelings around food and eating have been a part of my life it will be a challenge to move past that into freedom.

While I was pondering on this, I thought back to my childhood experiences around food. Dinner time was chaotic - with my dad, who often would come home from work and then do the cooking, barking commands at us in the strange pidgin English that he picked up during his life in the Merchant Navy. "Chop chop jildy!" he would shout - which meant hurry up. Dinner was mainly chips (jockeys whips as he called them), and fried meat. Sausages, hamburger meat, or steak. Peas were our staple vege and gravy. We didn't like gravy on our chips and he would roar "Gravy? Yes? No?" as he poured the gravy non stop across our plates. Our little hands would shoot out to try and protect the chips and keep them gravyless, and we would get the backs of our hands burnt in the process. The main objective would be to eat as quickly as possible and get the ordeal of dinner over and be away from the shouting. If we tarried we would be "wasting british thermal units!" - another crime. So we learned to gobble our meals. It also seemed that there was never enough and my brothers and I sometimes silently fought over food. A worse nightmare was having to eat the things we didn't like. I learned to swallow broadbeans whole rather than chew the horrible taste.

How can a person grow up sane around food with that kind of chaos? Funnily, and by funnily I mean tragically, I married a man who was a dinner table tyrant. Even though I worked until 5 pm every day I still had to have dinner on the table by 6pm. Thankfully he's very much an ex now.

So my task is it be able to leave all that behind, and start to build new a new relationship with food. One that doesn't involve fear, panic, and guilt. Most of all not guilt.